Sexual Civility: The Hot New College Romance, by Tom Bissonette

December 22nd, 2011

by Meredith Nudo

As all two of my readers (hi, Mom!) have no doubt already figured out, I've had a bit of time off this month, and next week won't be any different. So this will be my last posting until next year! We're planning on debuting some cool new features come 2012; please do come back and check out our offerings. Until then, pick up this required read…

While not a work of sociology and psychology, Tom Bissonette's Sexual Civility still covers the social components of rape and sexual assault with accuracy, intelligence, and — most importantly — sensitivity. Academic professionals, particularly those involved in student affairs, form his target audience, though parents and students can benefit from the information as well. Since he doesn't take a heavily scholastic tone (in fact, most of his examples are anecdotal in nature), general readers without a background in the social sciences will be able to follow this sex-positive, pro-LGBTQIA deconstruction of why rape and sexual assault happen and what needs doing to curb instances on campus and beyond. 

Bissonette frequently pauses to remind readers that victims must never receive blame for any rapes and sexual assaults perpetuated against them, which, as I've discussed in detail before, continues to happen even in our allegedly progressive and enlightened society. Instead of foisting the onus on the men and women on the receiving end, he instead shifts it towards "alienation from our own sexuality" (24) and "gender stereotypes" (44). These factors, which render sex a scandalous, taboo subject rather than a fact of life, make it near impossible for teens and young adults to navigate their own needs and wants. A "shame-based moral system" (21) painting men as predators and women as prey only stokes the sense of danger and entitlement. Just about the only way to protect all genders and gender identities from sexual exploitation is dismantling the entire system perpetuating misandrist and misogynistic perspectives. It's the much-needed antidote to wall-bangingly regressive garbage like He's Just Not That Into You, in other words.

Strategies for opening up healthy dialogue about sex, sexuality, intimacy, boundaries, body autonomy, and how to clearly communicate about all of these expectations conclude Sexual Civility. Faculty and staff should consider implementing them in lessons or orientations, and more open parents might find inspiration regarding ways to teach their kids about making healthy, respectful sexual decisions in these as well. The first, which focuses on "guilt or shame, which to blame" (85), makes for an especially useful, provocative technique for getting kids and young adults to think about how society approaches intimacy. Education won't completely curb the existence of sexual violence, unfortunately, but it might very well lower the number of instances both happening and ending up reported.

As someone occasionally involved in rape, sexual assault, domestic/family/intimate partner violence, and sexual harassment education and prevention, what struck me the most was the author's efforts to differentiate between "the raper" (49) and "the rapist" (49). Rarely — if ever — have I seen any sort of distinction made separating the criminal from the ignorant. For the most part, I tend to see both lumped together. But Bissonette, in accordance with his belief that many cases of rape and assault stem directly from "an environment where people aren't prepared to manage their sexual behavior sensibly," believes the two perpetrators should be approached as separate entities — although they must absolutely take responsibility for their actions all the same. Rapers, as defined by the author, "[have] a neurotic need for sex that will override cues from victims in some circumstances. [Do] not premeditate or plan. May be…candidate[s] for successful treatment, or other non-legal interventions" (49). By contrast, rapists "[plan] actions and [are] driven by intense compulsion. Cannot control behavior and [are] not likely to respond to treatment. Society needs protection from these types." 

So basically, while both demographics must answer for their behaviors, the former deserves a chance at redemption because the perpetrators may only be acting out due to twisted social norms instead of malicious intent. This perspective intrigues me, and I wonder how well programs adhering to it will eventually fare. I also wonder what other activists make of it as well; when asking a fellow feminist, she completely agreed that the breakdown made perfect sense. Although she and I obviously can't and don't speak for the entirety. No matter one's ultimate opinion on the matter, though, Sexual Civility's approachable (though admittedly occasionally dry) look at the social factors contributing to rape and sexual assault warrant consideration. It certainly challenges many readers to explore the variances present in both crimes and the discriminatory, rigid gender expectations what let them happen. And hopefully inspire them towards breaking them down in order to establish a safer society for all.

Bibliographic Information

Bissonette, Tom. Sexual Civility: The Hot New College Romance. Chattanooga, TN: BissCom Consulting, 2011.

Sexual Civility was suggested by Tom Bissonette himself via his Twitter feed, so big thanks to him! If you have any suggestions for future book reviews, feel free to contact me at mnudo (at) oedb (dot) org! I'm emphasizing reads about college and college life, so try to stick with those particular themes. Thanks!

Until next year! Happy holidays!

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